(I should preface this with the fact that Alex thinks I shouldn’t write about it, in case I get committed to a lunatic asylum.)

You know those helplines you see advertised on products like face cream etc? Who ever rings those aside from those with mental health issues or else someone who’s had an unusual, severe allergic reaction? ME. I rang them today. I was running late for work and ended up in a frenzy trying to open my new deodorant which came in this idiot-proof packaging that invited you to ‘twist and dispense product’ and NOTHING CAME OUT. I didn’t know if I was doing it something wrong or if the thing was defective, and in the end I was so furious I went off to ring the product helpline. Yup, the product helpline. Luckily the deodorant started working before anyone answered.

You’ll notice the label on this stuff says ‘Clinical protection … rebalance.’ The irony is not lost. I’m sure the people on the end of those calls hear it all and would have talked me down off my ledge but I’m glad they didn’t have to.